I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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