Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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