someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
