Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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