Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
