If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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