That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
