No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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