I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
