I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
