So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
