I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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