i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
