So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
