I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
