I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
