dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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