i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
