The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
