every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
