Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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