My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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