why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
