Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
