Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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