You made me cry and you don't even care
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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