I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
