the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
