Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
