Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
