oh god the rape fog is back!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
