Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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