i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
