3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
