How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
