Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
