And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
