Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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