sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
