so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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