I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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