drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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