So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I wish there were birth control emojis
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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