Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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