found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
