well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
