id be glad to
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
