I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
