Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
