I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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