Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
